L.O.V.E. Archives - Mike Kitko

My Proudest Moments

I have a ton to be proud of over the past four years since I’ve rebuilt my health, built a business that lights my soul on fire, and rebuilt my family.

What is the one thing that I’m most proud of?

I am proud that my family embraced the journey of discovery to find my purpose, my passion, and my mission in this lifetime.

Our Collapse Lead to a Rebuild

One of the reasons I became a 300-pound, suicidal alcoholic who got fired from two executive positions in 20 months was because I was so far out of alignment with where I actually wanted to be in life. I never really wanted to be an employee, but I did it for my family’s good. I never intended to build a social life strictly around alcohol, but I thought I needed to in order to socialize with my wife. I never dreamed of hating my life. But I did.

When I got so far out of alignment it all collapsed, and I had two options: pull the trigger and end it all or get everything in my life back into alignment.

I Began My “Get to” Life

Needless to say, I didn’t pull the trigger. From there I fully committed, with 100 percent of my entire life force, to never do anything I hated ever again. I wasn’t going back to corporate. I was done killing myself. I was done making choices that fueled someone else’s idea of what was “right.”

My decision truly impacted my family. They were scared, they fought me, and they tried to get me to stop living life on my terms. They wanted the old me because it was safe and familiar. But I remained committed. Once they saw that I was fully committed, they came along for the ride. I couldn’t make them, and I was willing to lose them. I was no longer sacrificing myself. And they chose to join me on a new adventure.

Leading with L.O.V.E.

My family now is not the same family from years ago. We’ve all grown so much, and we’re all committed to living life on our own terms – together. Everyone gets to thrive at the same time.

L.O.V.E. = letting others voluntarily evolve

That’s what I’m most proud of. We once tried to get each other to be who we wanted the other to be through anger, guilt, shame, manipulation, and withholding love.

Now we L.O.V.E. each other powerfully.

Of all that I’ve created by hitting the reset button – that’s what makes me the proudest. All it takes is one single decision to live life on your own terms.

Are you living a life designed by you, for you, or are you living your life on someone else’s terms?

Lose The Victim

I once believed that people made me angry.

I also believed that others could make me happy, frustrated, sad, disappointed…

I felt like I was just a victim of everyone around me…

Others’ behavior determined MY emotional state.

And I needed others to treat me exactly the way I needed to be treated so that I could feel exactly the way that I wanted to feel.

Victim.

That’s what I was.

A victim.

I didn’t want to, and I didn’t feel that I could control myself.

In fact, I felt so out of control that I felt that it was hopeless to even try to control my emotions.

I had it all figured out.

I would just teach, demand, make them behave exactly how I thought I NEEDED them to behave.

To make me happy.

Exactly.

Don’t say that. Say more of this. Don’t make that face. Take that tone out of your voice. Don’t be upset. Don’t have a bad day…

Since I could not control myself, and I was an emotional time bomb…

I thought everyone else should behave in a manner that served my emotions.

Like they didn’t have their own emotions.

Like they didn’t experience ups and downs.

Like they didn’t have their own life.

Somehow I felt I was more important than them.

So they should shrink themselves for me.

The issue was NEVER anyone else.

I was the emotional time bomb.

I had so much hurt, pain, emotion, suffering inside…

So much torment from years of neglect…

Neglect from my past…

Neglect from myself…

That I was the issue.

Never them.

Others are NEVER the issue.

So after my eventual collapse, I went inside.

I dug deep for the root of those hurts and pains.

I came to terms with them. I finally accepted reality…

You can either accept or reject reality…

But reality is reality.

I accepted that things happened in my life because resisting them caused even more suffering.

What we resist persists.

So I accepted and loved everything that ever happened to me.

The abuse, the trauma, the neglect.

I accepted what others had done…

I accepted the pain I had inflicted on myself.

I first forgave myself, then I forgave others.

I loved, embraced, and accepted all of it…

It is because of my past that I am who I am today.

I cannot be this guy without that past.

My past built me but does not define me.

And I get to decide whom I become, from who I am, in the future.

So I accepted everything.

And my love of self increased.

Then I loved and accepted even more of my pain…

And my love of self increased.

And the cycle continued…

It continues to this day.

It will never end.

Because I am more complete inside, because I love my past, I have accepted that I have created my present and that I can create the future…

I have improved control of my emotions.

I do not react to others the way I once did.

I respond… not react.

I can take a deep breath, think, and feel into the situation, and respond with love.

Even to attacks.

Hurt people hurt people.

And just as others did not own my emotional state, I do not own others’ emotional states.

When someone attacks, they are trying to shed their pain.

That is their pain. Not mine.

And they need love.

Because I love myself unconditionally and absolutely, I have that love to give.

I need nothing from others to make myself complete.

And I have more to give.

Our pain is NEVER about others.

It’s ALWAYS about ourselves.

Go inside and find your pain. Embrace and love your suffering… accepting it completely…

And you begin to find the happiness you are seeking from others.

It’s never outside.

Life is an inside-out game.

You are never a victim.

No one creates your emotion… happiness, anger, frustration…

They just help reveal what’s already there.

Let Them Evolve

Let’s talk about preference versus judgment.

Imagine I have a glass of water sitting here in front of me and I say, “I like my water cold with lots of ice.” And somebody else may say, “That’s stupid. You like ice in your water? You’re frickin stupid.” Why is that stupid?

We judge all the time based on our preferences. Sure, we prefer certain things, but then we project those preferences onto everyone else.

We feel the need to control our environment. It’s purely instinctual. But if we use guilt and shame to impact our environment in ways that we feel will serve us – and hurt others in the process – that’s abusive. If we use coercion and try to trick people into getting them to do what we want them to do, that’s manipulation.

There are 7.7 billion unique individuals on this planet with us. As soon as we can get all of them to be exactly who we are, and see things exactly the way we see them and make them feel the way we want them to feel, we will have all of this figured out.

Right?

Life gets better when we let others voluntarily evolve – when we allow people to have their own lives. It doesn’t mean we need to be with them or in the same room or share space with them. They need to be able to be themselves and live the life of their dreams while we’re living ours.

Sure, this takes a lot of work. But, aren’t we all worth it?

For me, I was willing to do the inner work. I was willing to develop new habits – wake up early, meditate, physically move, and sweat. Start a brand new routine that you can practice every single day. I started mine four years ago, and I still practice it daily.

Four years ago, I was a 300-pound suicidal alcoholic and I thought I had it all figured out. That was before my life completely collapsed. There was a narcissistic angry guy inside of me trying to convince everybody else that I had it figured out when my whole life was crumbling. From the experience in my own life, I have realized that the worse off we are, the more judgmental we are. When we release that judgment, life gets better. Life gets easier.

Life got easier for me.

Today, I am leading myself powerfully, and I have found success and happiness.

Let go of expectations and judgments. Let go of how you see others in the role that you think they are supposed to play in your life.

And just let them voluntarily evolve.

Life will be so much easier. I promise you.

My Rebirth

I’m a Marine Veteran and a former Fortune 500 executive leader. I achieved massive success through sheer force, overworking, and sacrificing everything else in my life for professional success.

In the process I deteriorated from Marine Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO) who was rated the number one NCO in my functional division, to a 300-pound suicidal alcoholic with a dysfunctional family fueled by abuse, neglect, and chemical dependency. My wife Angie was embroiled in a 25-year chemical addiction while I struggled in every way, and my two little girls, Katie and Meagan, witnessed the ravages of two parents who thought money, materials, titles, power, and professional success was all there was to life.

After decades of success in the corporate world, I was fired from a powerful executive position. My wife and I drank and partied away our 5-month severance, and I landed another opportunity to lead a business. Nothing had changed in my personal or family’s health, so 15 months later in March of 2016, I was terminated from what would become my last time working for another business.

The Decision That Sparked It All

I had a choice to make: either pull the trigger and end my life or wipe the slate clean and start all over.

Everything changed with that one decision.

On April 1, 2016, I decided to go all-in and reinvent myself. I exercised for the first time in years and began eliminating toxicity from my life. I learned that there are five basics needs of the human body — oxygen, water, nutrition, exercise, and rest (OWNER), and I began to eliminate all things from my life that didn’t create life. I began exercising daily and would string together over 500 days in a row of exercise. On April 7, 2016, I took my last drink of alcohol, and this caused major conflict in my marriage.

A New Life

My new routines and habits sparked attacks in my marriage and I learned to allow my wife to be angry and attack without needing to defend my choices or decisions. I decided I could live life on my own terms, and that I would no longer participate in a marriage that depended on killing myself. In June of 2016 with attacks increasing, I filed for divorce. The very next day the attacks stopped as my wife decided that our marriage was more important than the addicted and painful lifestyle we lived. We went to our first 12-step meeting together. We would complete 90 meetings in 90 days, and while there were stumbles along the way, we never looked back to our old lifestyle.

I went on to lose almost 100 pounds in a year, never returned to the bottle, have assumed complete control and authority of my personal health above all else, and that has opened the door for a new life. From physical health, I am able to heal the childhood neglect, abandonment, molestation, and abuse that I endured, and have used those experiences as a source of purpose and motivation to help others heal their lives.

A New Purpose

I wake up every day on fire to serve and support others with my newfound purpose and power.

In 2017, I launched an executive coaching business and began to work with executives and professionals from all over to feel as powerful inside as they appear on the outside. In my first year in business, I fully replaced any executive salary I had ever earned. That coaching business has evolved into a professional development business with a focus on the personal development of the leader. As the leader gets better, everyone gets better.

The Benefits of One Decision

My wife is also now clean and sober, has earned three coaching certifications, and uses her story to help others move from pain to purpose as well. My two girls are thriving. My older daughter is about to move away to college and my younger one is set to start driving. After what they witnessed and endured, both are better physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually than anyone could have imagined or predicted.

I made one single decision to heal my own life. From that single decision, hundreds and thousands have benefited. All it takes is one decision.

When the leader gets better, everyone gets better.

Life Happens for Us, Always

I’ve almost committed suicide and I’ve experienced the fullness of life.

I’ve been celebrated in front of hundreds for my messages of infinite purpose and potential, and I’ve been walked out of two businesses with a small box of belongings.

I’ve been obese, and I’ve been too skinny.

I’ve feared for both of my children’s lives as they struggled to breathe, and I’ve watched them both accomplish things they said they’d never even try.

I’ve had more money than I ever knew what to do with, and I’ve felt like I was bankrupt.

I’ve filed for divorce, and I’ve felt the love, passion, intensity, and acceptance of that same person as I finally understood the term soulmate.

I’ve been highly successful, and I’ve failed often.

I’ve felt invincible, and I’ve felt worthless and weak.

I’ve been accepted by my peers, and I’ve had that same group turn their backs on me.

I’ve felt heaven, and I’ve felt hell.

I’ve felt the hopelessness of alcoholism, and I’ve felt the liberation and freedom of sobriety.

I’ve felt pure bliss, and I’ve felt the depths of shame.

Which parts are my favorites?

All of them.

Life is perfect. Life happens for us, always.

In order to fully appreciate the light, we must experience the dark.

Life is life. It is not good or bad.

It is.

It’s our preferences that cause all of the suffering we experience.

When we drop our preferences and accept what’s in front of us…

We get to enjoy all of it.

It all serves us. It’s our preferences that get in our way of enjoying the entire rollercoaster.

We can choose to be happy at the bottom of the mountain and the top.

We never need to wait to decide to enjoy life.

Life is perfect.

It’s the lack of trust in life which makes life so difficult.

F*ck Your Excuses!

I see the world in themes. Usually, when there’s a message brewing inside of me, I see that same message throughout the day, week, or even month. I’m a spiritual guy and I’ve seen the power of astrology, and I do believe that there are ebbs and flows to our energy and areas of focus. We’re all in this together and experiencing similar challenges, opportunities, and cycles.

This week definitely had a theme, and I heard that theme rattling around inside me all week. It started about 5 days ago. There was a little whisper that said “F*ck your excuses. (FYE).” I thought about my journey from a 300-pound, suicidal, hopeless alcoholic, to a purposeful, internally powerful, fit, executive coach, speaker, and author who serves men all over the country. That little whisper inspired this Facebook post that flowed right out of me, almost like I wasn’t even the one writing the words:

When I ate like crap and didn’t exercise, my wife and kids did the same.

I was an alcoholic and my wife was in chemical addiction as well.

When I started taking care of myself they all challenged me.

I halted alcoholism, replaced garbage food with fuel, implemented daily exercise, and started losing weight…

And my child told me I was making too many changes.

Even people that love you will challenge better choices.

Now all 4 of us are clean and sober, eat better, exercise, and are more fit.

Lead them.

Be the example…

Not the reason the problem continues.

F*ck your excuses.

They’re watching you.

I posted the same message on here and got the most interaction of almost any post I’ve ever made on that platform. A celebrity in the coaching, speaking, and author space even interacted with that message. It was powerful, and the energy flowed. It started with a faint whisper, but that whisper got louder and louder as the week went on. I started listening to a new audiobook (which I do a lot), and the message was stated again “F*ck your excuses.” I saw another Facebook post with an image that represented the same message: “You know what you want. Stop making excuses.” The message was everywhere! I love this theme!

Leadership Orientations for Success

As I reflect back on my life I can see that when I’ve recognized my greatest successes, there were always a few common elements in my leadership and my personal operating system. This new revelation and theme helped me get into a space where I got to dive into the top three leadership orientations that have made me successful, and when neglected have brought me pain.

Ownership – Own everything in your life. There are no victims, no villains, and no heroes to save you. You are your greatest investment, and your outcomes are 100 percent created by you. Own and take full responsibility for your results, outcomes, beliefs, actions, health, wealth, relationships, and every other circumstance in your life. Never cast judgment, blame, threats, guilt, shame, or manipulation on others for your life. You own it all. If you don’t assume full ownership, you’ll make excuses and look for villains. Excuses are a sign of victim-thinking, not leadership.
Humility – You are better than no one, less than no one, and equal to all. Your self-worth and value as a human being rests in the fact that you breathe, not in your title, position, power, outcomes, wealth, materials, or anything outside of you. You are equal to all, better than none. As leaders, we must remain humble yet still press forward. Understand that achieving results at someone else’s expense is abusive, not leadership. You do not need to allow them to impede you, however, leadership is handling others with empathy and compassion, but never pity and sympathy. Make and accept no excuses, and stay humble. Never attach your self-worth to your net-worth. There will always be someone who has more than you, and someone who has less.
Growth and Results – I tied these two together because they are a natural feedback loop for each other. Your results will only grow when you grow as a human being and a leader, and your growth as a human and a leader will be reflected in your results. Both are non-negotiable as leaders constantly raise the bar in every area of life, and growth is the fuel that drives results. Assuming growth without results means that growth did not happen. Accept no excuses from yourself or others.

Our Decisions Determine Our Results

I recently spoke at a local business club of professionals about leadership and leading yourself, leading your society, and leading your family. I tied those elements of leadership into creating personal authority, purpose and impact in your career, and L.O.V.E. in your family, and I shared the message of FYE and shared how choices and decisions 100 percent determine outcomes, circumstances, and results.

I showed them pictures of Sergeant Mike Kitko who was ranked the #1 Non-Commissioned Officer in the Avionics Division in my last unit during my time in the USMC in 1996, a picture of a 300-pound Mike Kitko who lost ownership and leadership orientation in 2016, and the reinvented Mike Kitko of today who shows up with personal authority, purpose and impact, and with a powerful family unit. I told them that where they were not showing up in their lives or where they were being a victim, they were not leading, but surviving. They were not owning their outcomes, but playing victim. I said it doesn’t matter what their business cards say, but if they aren’t leading in all areas of their life, they aren’t really a leader. I called them to action for their own benefit.

I Told Them What They Needed To Hear

Eyes dropped to the floor as some of the professionals suddenly realized where they were leading and where they were surviving. They realized where they weren’t taking full ownership, accountability, and responsibility for their outcomes and circumstances, and where they weren’t demonstrating a solid example for those they loved. Their eyes didn’t drop because the message was too intense, their eyes dropped because I held up a mirror for them to see their own excuses. They needed to see them. That’s the only way we get better – by being honest with ourselves and those we serve. I had multiple people in the room thank me for calling them to task. They agreed that they needed to hear it. One of my colleagues in the room, with whom I already had a relationship, mentioned to the group that he’s grown because I will never tell him what he wants to hear, but what he needs to hear. Anything less is less than they deserve. I deserve the same and am surrounded by people who do the same for me. It’s how we grow the most.

Is My Coaching Right For You?

I know not everyone craves growth at this level. When I speak with folks interested in working with me directly, I hit them early. I ask them a few simple questions to make sure we don’t waste time, money, and energy:

Are you sure you are prepared to grow?
Are you sure you are ready to hear what you need to hear instead of what you want to hear?
What do you want more – comfort or growth?
Are you ready to grow?
Are you really ready to accelerate your outcomes and results?
Are you ready to let go of your excuses?

If they answer yes to all of those questions, I know where we are. I just smile, nod, and pause. After a few seconds of silence and with a smirk on my face, I lean in and whisper, “Good. Me too. F*ck your excuses.”

If you are interested in an intense coaching experience, I’d love it if you would schedule time with me. I will be your guide to overcome your challenges, obstacles, and excuses to achieve the personal authority, purpose, and impact, and powerful family unit you desperately want. You are telling yourself a story and that’s showing up as excuses why you can’t have what you want. I will guide you to overcome them. Schedule time with me. I’ll show up for you. The only question I have is will you show up for yourself?

Men Can Be Codependent, Too

When my girls were toddlers, they would come into my bedroom in the morning to wake me up. My day began with a kiss on the cheek from either Katie or Meagan. They would wait for me to wake up. Sometimes it took them a few kisses. I would pretend to be asleep to get another kiss or two. When I did finally wake up I would whisper, “go ahead downstairs and I’ll be down.” This happened for the first 8-9 years of their lives until their “independence” kicked in. I was sad when the morning kisses stopped.

I called both of my girls “butt,” because they might as well have been attached to me. They would sit as close to me as they could get – one on my right side and one on my left. We would spend all day together whenever possible, playing games, singing, dancing, and watching their favorite television shows. When I fixed their meals, they helped in the kitchen as my taste-testers. They loved it when I cooked, and they always told me how amazing it was – even when I screwed up in some way. I couldn’t do anything wrong in their eyes, and they celebrated me all the time. My little girls loved me, and for the first time in my life, I felt unconditionally loved. They were my everything.

A Broken Unit

My wife Angie and I struggled a lot in our marriage, our separate trauma and addiction issues causing us to grow further and further apart. As the void between Angie and me became bigger, my girls and I grew closer. There were times when it was just my girls and me. Angie was distant or absent, even when she was in the house. It seemed like I raised my girls by myself, and honestly, I desired that because I selfishly wanted to be their hero and their primary support mechanism. Moreover, I loved the infinite and unconditional love that they offered to me and extended daily, and, sometimes, I just felt that Angie disrupted that. She didn’t love me and accept me nearly as much as my girls did.

My relationship with Angie was strained from the very beginning. To say that we entered a relationship quickly is an understatement. Once things got moving, they accelerated faster than the speed of light. We met in an abnormal psychology class at Montgomery College in Maryland. After the class had ended, she invited me out for drinks with a group of her friends, one of which was her fiancé. Angie was arguing with him by the end of the evening. She left him, got in my car, came home with me and never left. Within a year, we owned a home and a car together. Within two years, we were married with a child and moved across the country to start a new life. How’s that for fast?

My Futile Efforts to Clean Up Toxicity

Heavy medication ruled Angie, who had symptoms of mania and depression. Before I had my children by my side, when she would become angry or depressed, I would try to do anything to make her feel better. I would buy her things, change my behavior, change plans, call out of work, or do anything she asked. I felt that there was something I could do to make it all better, and as soon as I figured that out, she’d be better. From 1999 to 2016, “better” happened every once in a while, but anger and depression were more prominent. The cocktail of medications she was taking didn’t help, but that’s another story for another time.

One Mother’s Day the girls and I planned to take Angie out to dinner. She woke up angry and said she didn’t want to celebrate the day. She started arguments all day long and our family was again in chaos. I tried to talk her through it and failed miserably. There’s no way to talk someone out of being angry who wants to remain angry.

I tried for hours to convince her that everything was ok and that we were going to have a nice dinner out like always. Hours into our anger-fueled discussions, I agreed and yelled that it was probably better that we stay home anyway. Angie blew up. This time, she was super angry that we were going to stay in. When she blew up, so did I, and after more hours of fighting I grabbed her and screamed, “why are you angry?” She cried and said, “I don’t know.” She then melted into my arms. I had been trying to “fix” her to make her happy, and there was no foreseeable way to do so. Her emotions had taken over until she collapsed. We went out to eat, but there was no energy left in any of us to celebrate.

Codependency Got Us Nowhere

Our volatile relationship went on and on until we eventually learned the cause of all of this – codependency. Angie expected me to be able to make her feel better, and I expected that there was something I could do. We blamed each other for our misery, and we expected the other person to do something to make it feel better. We placed the responsibility for our happiness on each other and thought the relationship was about getting the other person to solve all of our emotional issues.

In my opinion, the worst part about our codependency was needing the other to be someone different than they are – manipulating or controlling them to get what we want from them. Guilt, shame, blame, and threats are the weapons of a codependent, and these are the weapons of the weak, not the strong. I used them plenty in my relationship with Angie, and eventually with my girls.

Angie and I hit a critical point in our relationship in June of 2016 when I had had enough. I had started a winning battle with alcoholism in April and began to take better care of myself. Angie was doing nothing different, and our marriage began to further deteriorate. This time she was battling one way because I wouldn’t fight back. I’d just walk away. I had begun to realize the chaos that we were all involved in, and I stepped out of the fray. When Angie continued to attack, I filed for divorce. This broke the cycle, and Angie decided to break her addiction. I also set healthy boundaries that I was not fighting her emotions for her anymore, and I made sure I no longer asked her to fight mine. We reconciled our differences and have grown from there.

I Was The Hero, Until…

Even though I had healed and resolved my codependent tendencies with Angie, the tendencies with my children remained. As Angie and I healed the chaos in our marriage and our addictions, Angie’s relationship with the girls improved. Over time, they grew closer, and my little girls needed me less and less. More and more, I saw them shift most of their time, attention, focus, requests, and communication from me to Angie, and it hurt. It was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced.

At one point, I was the center of my little girls’ universe. Now that they are teenagers, I’m a small part of their life. Of course, I knew they’d grow up. The combination of them growing up and their radical shift from relying solely on me to relying on Angie stung twice as much. She has moved to be their primary caregiver, at a time when they need their mom the most – their teenage years. But even though it is natural and makes sense and is part of nature, it hurts a lot.

The beautiful part of our story is that our addictions have healed, we no longer expect the other to fix us or our emotions, and our marriage is better than I could have ever expected. Angie’s relationship with our girls is powerful and getting stronger, and my relationship with Katie and Meagan is exactly where a relationship between a dad and his teenage daughters falls naturally. It’s hard to feel less wanted, but it’s also beautiful to see them blossoming into strong independent women. They’ve healed a lot of the pain that our family chaos caused.

Only The Pain You Feel Can Heal

Healing codependency requires a lot of personal awareness, ownership, and the willingness to feel pain. Only the pain you feel can heal. If you ignore the pain, pretend it doesn’t exist, try to suppress it, or try to escape it with alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, work, and on and on, you’re just delaying the inevitable. The pain will remain.

When we are in a codependent state, we will often try to control or manipulate others to make ourselves feel better. We’ll try to fix them instead of allowing them space to heal, or we will use guilt, shame, blame, and threats to get them to do what we want them to do. Again, these are weapons of the weak, not the strong. A strong leader feels the pain and heals himself and allows others to grow without manipulation, coercion or control.

Even though I am a 47-year-old Marine Veteran, who has healed himself, his alcoholism, health, and marriage, built a powerful coaching business and inspires people all over the world, my little girls continue to help me reveal my codependent tendencies. When I feel unwanted or unloved, that’s a signal that it’s time for me to want and love myself. Because my feelings and emotions are mine, just like yours are yours. Show up for yourself, and L.O.V.E. others by letting others voluntarily evolve. They owe you nothing, and you owe yourself everything. Even the roughest, toughest father can be brought down by his little girls (the most powerful force on earth). They might not want or need me right now, but I’ll be right here waiting for them when they want or need me again. And “again” can’t come soon enough.

It’s time to step into real leadership. Join our community. We learn together and are committed to supporting each other and holding each other accountable for leading ourselves, our society, and our families more powerfully. Join now. I commit to you that it will be the best decision you’ve ever made.

Do You LOVE Your Family?

When my first daughter was still a baby, my wife Angie and I discussed how we were going to parent her. We decided on some of the family rules that we were going to lay down to establish boundaries and basic rules of engagement. The conversation was somewhat tense because we were two different people from two different backgrounds, trying to establish a path for our new family. Both of us were new parents, so every experience was new to us, including the expectations we were going to establish in our home.

We agreed on basic framework for how we would interact as parents, and do’s and don’ts we would honor. Then we moved on to more important matters – religion, politics, and the beliefs we would instill in our child. We were clear from her first months that we would mold her in the image of our belief systems – we didn’t use this word, but we set out to program her the way we saw the world, and we thought this was our duty. We were going to pass on our worldview because we thought we had it all figured out as if there was only one right way. It took us years to unravel the damage we would create.

Toxic Beginnings

My wife and I were toxic from the start. We met in abnormal psychology class, and when the class ended, she invited me out for drinks with her and her fiancé. The two of them got into a fight at the end of the night and Angie needed a ride. I offered and asked her if she wanted to hang out at my apartment. She came home with me and never left. We’ve been together ever since (except for about 5 weeks in 2014, but that’s another story.)

We both worked, and when we weren’t working, we drank. That was our entertainment. No matter what we did, we had beers in our hands. It wasn’t uncommon for us to have beers at 10 a.m. on a Saturday, and often I was lit by 6 p.m. I would turn into a monster, and when that switch flipped, it flipped hard. I would apologize to everyone the next day and we’d begin again. It was a cycle that wouldn’t stop repeating until much later.

As my kids grew up, they saw their parents get black-out drunk, fight, and even resort to abuse. We were lost, but somehow we clung to the belief that we were living our best life, and that our children should believe what we believed. We watched the news and I would tell them how to interpret the stories. We would hear political news and I would tell them who was wrong and who was right. I would reward them for supporting my candidates in an election, and I even projected my spiritual beliefs – which changed a couple of times over the years – onto my kids and family. When I changed my mind about something, I fully expected everyone else in my family to do the same. If they didn’t, I worked tirelessly to convince them of my position to solidify our unity.

Rebuilding From the Ashes

I believed that my family – especially my children – should be mirror images of me and my beliefs, and if they weren’t, then I failed. I somehow thought that I still had things figured out, and I thought everyone who didn’t believe what I believed was an uneducated idiot – like I was some high, holy anointed being. It’s painful to think about. It wasn’t until years later that I realized I had raised my family just like I had been raised – that there’s only one way, and failure to comply meant you needed to be “saved” or “fixed.”

Finally in March of 2016, the house of cards I had built collapsed. I lost my second executive position in 20 months, my alcoholism was off the charts, I was close to 300 pounds, and my wife’s addiction had reached a critical stage. I had to choose between pulling the trigger to end my life or surrendering to the fact that I didn’t have anything figured out, and rebuilding my entire life. Thank God I chose to rebuild. But first I had to be willing to lose who I was. This wasn’t easy because I had invested so much into building my identity through my beliefs, perspectives, and opinions. I had to be willing to dump it all. Even more sensitive, I had to be willing to face the fact that I had programmed my kids to live in my image, and if my life fell apart, I had some serious work to do. I resolved to show them a new way, not tell them a new way, and I refused to ever program them again to think and believe like me.

I Chose to L.O.V.E.

I want to introduce you to a cool acronym. I anchor to this acronym every time I disagree with someone else’s perspective or beliefs, and it has reframed how I view my role in interactions with everyone. It’s L.O.V.E. – Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve. Isn’t that beautiful? So, what’s the significance?

One thing I’ve learned is that no one is in any position to tell another human being what to believe. There are 7.7 billion people on the planet, and if you believe that you have it all figured out politically, economically, spiritually, religiously, physically, relationally, or any other facet of life – then I encourage you to closely reevaluate how you are living life.

We all have different talents, gifts, perspectives, experiences, education, wisdom, and knowledge. To think that anyone else must believe exactly the way we believe is not a healthy way to approach life. I’ll take this another step further – as parents, we have not earned the right to stamp another sovereign human being with our beliefs and force them to embrace those beliefs. Forcing beliefs on another person is not love. It’s abusive, manipulative, and controlling. It’s certainly not letting others voluntarily evolve.

Leading Powerfully

We are not here to coerce our family. We are here to lead and protect, but neither of these includes programming another human being. In the past, this was called parenting. I’m calling it out for what it is – abuse. Our children are not ours to program. We are their guardians and protectors. They are independent, sovereign human beings who will eventually make their own decisions. It’s our role to empower, encourage, and hold space for them until they can figure out who they are and what they believe. Loving and supporting them without guilt, shame, threats, blame, manipulation, and control allows us to lead and guide them when they ask. We are not here to tell them how they can be worthy. We are here to show them they are worthy – by exercising L.O.V.E.

It’s our place to lead by letting others voluntarily evolve. Think about that the next time you try to press your beliefs onto others. That is the opposite of love. Don’t we all want to be loving parents? It’s never too late to shift. Now is the time. Show them. Don’t tell them. They’ll learn from your example, not your words. In the end, words are meaningless. Real parental leadership is priceless.

Our Collapse Lead to a Rebuild

I Began My “Get to” Life